A letter to my girls that were never mine

Thanks for your prayers for all of us. JJ and the boys are handling our loss so much better than I am. I guess that's the advantage of being from the male species. You my friends have made me feel so understood! Your thoughts and prayers have been so comforting, so encouraging, so meaningful. Today was much better than yesterday! Radio recording was canceled due to a stomach virus our producer got so I took the unexpected gift of time to process my thoughts and wrote all that I was feeling in a letter to the girls.

Dear Shasho and Zenie,

First of all, I love your names. They make me smile when I say them. And so your sweet photos that are on computer desktop. I have been looking at your photos for days. I remember when we got the first one back in August. Then more came last week. I have loved watching your smiles turn from hesitant to hopeful.

The first photo we received was taken the day you were admitted to the orphanage. I can only imagine what must have been going through your young and innocent minds that day. Why are we here? Why are we staying with these people while our uncle walks away. Why is he crying? Why is he saying good-bye? Have we done something wrong? Will he come back or will he never return but be gone forever like our mommy and daddy?

Today I see something different. I am looking at a photo taken just last month – many weeks after you arrived. You have new home and new friends now. Today I see brightness in your eyes and joy in your smile. I wonder if you know that you are loved. I wonder if you have been held while you cried and assured that there is hope ahead. I wonder if you have been told that someone will come for you and that you will one day have a forever family – where you will be loved and protected.

Sweet Shasho and Zenie, there is nothing you have done to deserve what you are going through. There is nothing you have done to put yourself where you are. Illness and disease have kept you from knowing your mommy and daddy. Poverty has taken you from your uncle and the only home you’ve known sweet girls. But the God of the universe has kept you close to His heart. His eyes are on you and He is watching over you, making sure that you will never be alone. He promises that He will never leave you. His riches are endless and He will never run out of supplies to meet your needs.

Even now as I write to you, God is placing you into a new family. I was hoping and praying that it would be our family. I thought for sure that was God’s plan, but today it seems that it is not. You see another family came to see you and fell in love with you the same way I did. This family had the wonderful privilege of meeting you in person, sitting across from you at the table, listening to you laugh and feeling the warmth of your hands in theirs. They got to watch you interact with the other children and see you playing on the swings. I have to admit that I’m envious of this time they had with you. I wish I could’ve been there. I wish I could have looked into your glistening eyes and seen sparkles of hope when you smiled. But I know that this is God’s plan and that I can trust Him.

I want what is best for you and I have been praying that God would lead all of us in His perfect ways. I wanted you to come home with us if that was His best. But I have to believe for some reason He has something even better. This is a family that is going to love you and help you become all that He created you to be. They are going to be so blessed to have you as their daughters. You will bring such joy and laughter to their home.

God brought you into my life for a reason. I have prayed for you and loved you in my heart and I will continue to. I am okay with the fact that you will never know my love on earth, because I believe that I will get to tell you one day in Heaven. I am praying that I will get to see you and hug you and tell you how very special you are!

I am praying for you sweet girls that were never mine! I am praying that God is preparing a place in your heart to love and trust your new family. Spread your arms wide, open your heart and let Love in!

You will always be in my heart,


Blogger Melanie said...

A beautiful letter...
I am truly sorry for the real loss that you have experienced.

Blogger Amy Jo said...

Oh, Renee, my heart is sad with you. I completely understand. Having been in the "adoption world" for three years now, I know this happens and boy, does it hurt.

God has opened your heart up for His children and it's impossible not to give your heart away when you feel a connection with one or more sweet children. Adoption is just so different than a physical pregnancy. It's impossible to explain it to someone who hasn't gone through it. The blessings are especially sweet, but the losses are incredibly hard. Hard to believe you could fall in love with two girls you never met and grieve the loss so deeply, but it's that incredible love that God has placed in your heart for this journey.

You will, unfortunately, find that once your girls are safely home with you, that your heart will still respond deeply to the other waiting children. Again, it's almost impossible to explain, but it's the miracle and mystery of adoption.

I pray that God will comfort you during this time and give you His peace when you need it most. Please keep us posted on how to pray for you and your precious family.

With love & grace,
Amy in OR

Blogger Amy L Brooke said...

Thanks for sharing this. I will pray that some day when the time is right that they get the chance to read this.

I am continuing to pray for you. While I'm not glad your producer was ill, I'm glad you got a bit of extra time.

Blogger Joyful said...

Oh Renee, what a beautiful letter. These girls have been doubly blessed.

The entire letter is so precious, but what really touched my heart was the ending, "I am praying for you sweet girls that were never mine! I am praying that God is preparing a place in your heart to love and trust your new family. Spread your arms wide, open your heart and let Love in!"

Oh Renee, what a gift prayer is to each of us. By praying for these little girls that you have never physically met, you are creating a bond that is stronger and greater than any earthly relationship can ever experience. When I think of people God has called me to pray for - long before I ever really met them - the love I developed for them as each day I would ask the Lord to encourage, bless and meet their needs, was so great. Since God has placed Shasho and Zenie so deeply on your heart, your prayers for them are such a gift, and no doubt so very needed at this time of adjustment, uncertainty and confusion. The end of your letter to these precious girls had me in tears - an absolutely selfless sacrifice of praise.

Love & hugs to my friend for whom God called me to pray before we ever met,

Prayed for you this morning.


Blogger Kimberly said...

This letter is a treasure! Your heart is so beautiful!

May you experience His tendernesses in such a real way today, Renee!

Blogger JesusRulzMe said...

Dear and precious sister Renee,

I just read your posts and I'm so sad. I've actually been praying for you and your entire family as you prepared to bring your girls, Shasho and Zenie home with you.

And now, my heart is broken....with yours. It's funny, you say that you're grieving over the loss of sweet girls that were never yours, that you never met - and at the same time, I'm realizing God, our awesome Father in Heaven, has caused me to grieve with you...a sister I have never met.

I truly believe when God moves our spirits to pray for one another, He knits our hearts together so that that we will forever be bound with that person(s) in Christ Jesus our Lord.

"whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." ~ Matthew 6:19

I believe that you are bound with Shasho and Zenie...in Christ. And I believe God has heard your prayers and you've given these precious girls the BEST gift any mom could give her children...prayers taken to the throne of the grace of God, for their salvation - for their eternal adoption as children of the Most High God.

Somehow, God has allowed you to do for these girls, without having met them, what all us mothers strive to do with every breath we have....teach our children about Jesus and pray for their eternal adoption as sons and daughters of the LORD God Almighty.

I'm praying for you sister. May our gentle and gracious Lord, restore you and give you rest.

With great love in Jesus,

Blogger Mari said...

Renee: I'll be praying. I am so sorry. We know God has a plan. It's just hard when it's not the one we were thinking of. Blessings and hugs to you!

Just reading this tonight and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. May God comfort you as only He can. You will never know this side of heaven what your "motherly prayers" may have done for "your girls that were never yours"! My mother died when I was 16 and yet I firmly believe that many, many of the blessing I have had during my 55 years have come because of her prayers for me!

God bless you my sister!


Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Renee, this letter was such a beautiful outpouring of your heart, and an extension of God's grace. I am crying for the loss you feel so deeply within your heart. I am praying for you. Right now I am hurting as badly for you as I did when I had a miscarriage. I don't even know you, except through your blog and devotions. I can't explain the feeling of compassion I have for you and the loss you've felt, but I will say that I'm feeling it, too, and I pray that takes some of the burden off you in some way. I know that sounds weird. I'm not some freaky person, I promise! Just wanting you to know I care.

Renee I am so sorry to hear this news. I know from experience how very fast you can fall in love with the child you hope to adopt.

And it is very real, even though you never met them - in your heart, you were committed to them. I will be praying for you.

Blogger Lelia Chealey said...

My mom must read this beautiful love letter.
This was so sweet Renee and so emotionally raw. I feel your pain. Our family lost a precious little girl we are praying God returns to my parents home one day.(soon)

I will pray for you.

Blogger Sheri said...

I felt like I was reading a letter written from our Father there was so much love poured out!

I am surfing over lunch and just read this. My heart cries for you. The letter is precious. God's plans do not always make sense but you got to hold on to that hope that there is more...something bigger than we can ever imagine to come from this.

You and your family, and these two little girls are in my prayers.

In His Graces~Pamela

Blogger Wendy Mueller said...

Renee, now you have brought tears to my eyes once again. The pain that express is still so real to me. It has been just over seven years since we started our adoption process, and six years since we brought our son home. The losses that we had during that first year have still never left me, and I find that at times I still cry over the babies that we "lost" before finally finding our son.

Even though I know now that God had never created those children to be mine, I still loved them, and my heart ached when I lost them. But I would have never had the perfect son for me if I had brought home the girls that I loved so much.

I will be praying for you that not only will God give you more grace to face the days with these girls, but that He is preparing the girls that He has created specifically for your family. Follow His leading for your prayers, no matter how bizarre they may seem at the moment because He knows the desire of our hearts.

Post a Comment