I feel so sad...
We got a call last night from our adoption agency director. She left a message saying that somehow a miscommunication happened and a family from Germany is adopting the girls we thought we were adopting. Our agency, wasn't notified until they called to say we wanted to adopt the girls.

I feel like I just had a miscarriage. I've been crying off and on all day. I am so sad. I don't want to hear that God has a better plan. I don't want to hear that God has other children. I know that is truth. But right now, I feel really sad. And I need to feel what I'm feeling. It makes me want to run. It makes me fall on my knees and cry. It pushes me into the arms of my Father's embrace where He whispers what it true.

I have to trust Him. It's not a option for me not to. I know His heart is good and His ways are loving. We have prayed for Him to open and close doors. We know that He already knows who our daughter or daughters will be. We only want what He wants and we want what is best for the girls we now have engraved in our hearts. It's just hurts when His answers aren't ours.

It has surprised me how quickly I fell for these two precious girls. But then I remembered the hours I spent this weekend looking through our agency's private photo web album to find the girls in snapshots. I looked in the background to see if I could find them on the playground, in the classroom and in the dining area of the agency. I found a few and felt like I had spent time watching them play. They didn't know I was there but my heart was falling in love each time I saw them.

Their sweet photo is on my desktop. It's also in my Bible and was with me all day. I know God brought them to me for a reason and I will pray for them daily until He takes the memory of their faces from me. I had started writing letters to them and praying scriptures for them in my heart. I know He will take these treasures and use them for His purposes, whether I ever know it or not.

At first I felt like God didn't want us to give up to easily. Maybe we needed to fight to get the girls. Last night I felt compelled to pray that He'd make a way where there is no way. I prayed believing and I still do. I just know that I also have to let go and trust what He has next for us. We found out today that the adopting family visited the orphanage recently and went through the orphanage to make arrangements to adopt them. Their dossier is complete and it is being processed. It looks like this is their forever family after all and when I stop crying, I will be happy for them. I promise I will!

I need to not feel so sad for much longer. I have radio recording tomorrow and need to be strengthened in my spirit to encourage others as I record these shows. There is so much more going on in the world around me but this news has made my little world tilt just a little of center today.


Blogger Jill said...

Renee, I have pray for you already and will continue to do so. Your words about a miscarriage really hit home as I was there just 2 months ago and I know what you mean when you mention just feeling sad. It is hard and we don't understand, but I pray that you will continue to trust. God will honor that. Until you can pray those prayers on your own, I will be standing in the gap. Blessings, Jill

Blogger Amy L Brooke said...


I am praying for you right now and will continue to pray for you. I will pray for the time to be sad and the strength when needed. I will pray for you and JJ and the boys too.

I care about you.


Blogger Heather Conrad said...

Renee, I'm so sad right along with you. Feelings are real, it does take time to process, your heart steers you back to Him. He is so proud of you. Thank you again for your genuine model. You inspire me.

Blogger Cheri said...

Climb that mountain till you get to the top.

Praying for you,


Blogger Leebird said...

Oh, Renee...I'm so, so, sorry. One thing I've learned this year is that God can handle my hurt feelings and disappointment with His decisions. Pour every feeling out to Him and He'll eventually replace your sorrow with joy.


Comfort my precious sister. We don't understand Your ways; sometimes Your decisions hurt our feelings and even make us downright angry. But...as Renee said....we can't help but settle back into trusting You. Bless these little girls who have captured Renee's heart. As they snuggle in their beds to sleep, let them dream of a sweet Southern lady who loved them enough to hold them with open hands. Prepare the heart of the girl(s) You already have created to complete the Swope family. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Blogger Joyful said...

Go ahead and cry my friend. Jesus wept too. Tears are precious to God. He sees them and treasures them all. Did you know that God even created us so that happy tears and sad tears are made up differently - they aren't the same. There is a time for both. Praying that soon, happy tears will be streaming down your face as you embrace the girls that God has chosen for you. It's hard when life hurts. My heart is breaking for you. Not understanding and still trusting is never easy - often it's when head knowledge and feelings collide. We know the 'right' response, but we also need to be 'real'. It's OK to be sad - it shows your great capacity to love.

Handing you a Kleenex and a hug,

Blogger Renee Swope said...

Thank you, thank you sweet friends. Your prayers, your encouragement and your understanding are holding up my heavy heart. You are such a treasure trove of friendships to me!

I just finished practicing my radio shows. Now I am heading to bed for a good night's sleep. I am praying that I wake up with joy in the morning. That would be a gift from His heart to mine!


Blogger Carol Davis said...

Know that you are prayed for, friend.
Sometimes life just hurts.

Ps. 119: 111
I am worn out waiting for your rescue,
but I have put my hope in your word.
My eyes are straining to see your promises come true.

crying with you...

Blogger Bonnelle Pagel said...

Praying that God's grace and strength would infuse your heart even now as you sleep. May you feel your Daddy's arms surrounding you with His love and comfort. He holds you in the palm of His hand.

With much love,

Blogger Rachel Olsen said...

Sending you Big Hugs, and holding you in my prayers.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


What blessed girls to have 2 families wanting them! God is so good. I am so sorry for your sadness and grief. Let the tears fall. God knows and hears your cries.

Praying for you this day,

Blogger Bonita said...

Renee, I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how much you love your boys and I'm sure you had already invested so much of your heart in those girls too. I don't know the Lord's reasons for giving them to another family, but rest assured that He must have wanted you to spend time in heartfelt prayer for them. Know that you did something great for their futures as you prayed. You mothered them in prayer and we all know that God answers mothers' prayers.

In an odd sort of way, your post was very comforting to me today. I'm saddened by the election and the turn our nation has taken. I really needed to be reminded to continue to trust God and your post set me straight. Thank you!

Blogger Catherine said...

Renee, I am so sorry! I understand how God can lay a child on your heart before you've ever met them.

Praying for you. Praying, praying....praying.

Blogger Julie said...

I just want you to know that I can so relate to your pain. When God called us to our own adoption journey and used a set of boys to take us to Haiti we never dreamed he wasn't calling us to adopt them. In our hearts they were 'ours', however the further we walked with Him, the more we realized He had a different plan for all of us. We will never forget those little boys, and continue to pray for them; yet we have fallen hopelessly in love with a set of twins that God has now interwoven within our hearts. God will carry you through this adoption road, no matter where it will lead you. Praying for you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am praying for you, JJ/the boys during this difficult time of not sure what to do next.
May He be your comfort/strength.
May He show you which direction to seek next in regards to the girls He has for you.
All my love,

Blogger B His Girl said...


Keep trusting. These girls go into a new family with your prayers. What a gift you gave them, praying God's word over their lives. God has a wonderful surprise marked for your family. You will see God knew what He was doing. (You already know that.) He helped you see how difficult it was to pick them out in the first place. You saw all of them through the eyes of love. That how Jesus sees! His story continues in your life. It is a real page turner for sure. Two or three little girls are praying for a family like yours. They will be Heaven sent! He has said yes to you. More than you can ask or imagine is ahead.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

thinking of you and praying for you. just like God used you to speak to my life i know the girls at this time needed someone loving and praying for them the way you have.
Mary Karanja, Kenya

Blogger Joanie Butler said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! I know the loss you are feeling. During our adoption process I fell in love with three blonde headed, blue eyed children that looked so much like me and my husband that I was convinced they were to be ours. I carried their photos around for months, wrote letters to my three babies, and prayed and cried many times for them. We were told that we were only one of three families being considered to adopt them. We were asked to produce a video of our home, the kids rooms, our church family, our community and our lives in general. Then we were told that we being considered with one other family, but that the social worker felt that we were to be the family for these children.

Needless to say our hearts were crushed when the other family was chosen to adopt these three beautiful gifts of God.

My heart grieved for the loss of them. Nobody could understand why I wanted to lock myself away in my room and just cry. Everybody would tell me that God had other plans for us. Plans that were better. I didn't want to hear it. What I wanted was someone to cry with me. To hold me and tell me that they understood!

So, although I am unable to hug you, please know that I am crying with you. I am reaching out to you in prayer, and I am holding you in my heart.

If I can do more than give you a cyber hug, and pray, call me or shoot me an email!

Love you!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is human for us to feel sad. It is an emotion that we go thru. You know all the answers. You are wise in recognizing them.

Just wanted to say something which might make you feel better(I hope). You already have kids(a son)maybe the German couple needed these children much more than u do, maybe their need for the kids may be much more than yours. Maybe!May God heal your heart and soul.

Blogger RefreshMom said...

Renee, I'm so sorry you lost 'your' girls! What a heart you have to have let them in so completely already. I will pray that the Lord will comfort you with knowing He has provided them a loving family who will care for them well. And He loves you too.


Blogger Luanne said...

Renee--praying for you as you mourn the loss of THIS dream, and praying that God moves you quickly to His hope and joy.

Rest in His arms.

God bless!

Blogger Dawn Ward said...

Oh Renee, I'm so sorry. I stopped and prayed for you, JJ, and the boys as soon as I finished reading your post. I will continue to lift you up as you work through these feelings.

Sweet Blessings my friend,

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Renee, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard and I won't try to comfort you with what you already know in your heart to do...I'll just be in prayer for you. Bless your heart!

Blogger Teresa said...

Renee, I read your post this morning...and have been praying for you off and on all day...(and will continue to). I was reminded that each one of your tears the Lord has seen and felt and is saving.

Anonymous Liz said...

Hi Renee... our adoption process had it's own "miscarriages" too. It's hard in a way that most will not understand, but it's very real. Hang in there girlfriend and keep on trusting in Him.

Blogger On Purpose said...

Through this post you have comforted those who feel like its wrong to cry out and question God, you have brought comfort to those who have felt sad and all alone and lost in the middle of God's plan.

I am praying and knowing He will bring comfort to you.

Blogger Jessie said...

Father, I pray that you would be with Renee. Lord, sometimes we don't understand, and yet we trust. I pray that you would comfort her, encourage her and continue to lead her family to the precious children you have handpicked for them. I thank you that you are close to the broken hearted! Oh, that she would be strengthened in you!

Blogger Charlene Kidd said...

I am praying for all of you. I can only imagine what you are feeling. I pray that you will continue to run to your loving Father for your comfort.

Blogger Chef Diane said...


It has been 16 years since I lost my daughter to miscarriage. It is OK to hurt. God understands and knows our pain. I am going through lose again in my life. My support system tells me I just need to allow myself to hurt and grieve.

In the spring when Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter. His wife said the most comforting thing. She said that the human side of her hurt, but she was grieving with hope.
Lifting you up my sister.

Blogger Pat said...

I feel sad with you. I have followed your quest towards adoption and know that your heart is broken.
You will be in my prayers,

Blogger Amy L Brooke said...

I've continued to pray for you today -- time to be sad but also the strength you need.

Love you.


How is today breathing for you, friend? I hope with some fuller perspective. I'll be praying for you tonight.


Anonymous helen martin (aka: bride) said...

Renee, I can't even imagine your disappointment and heartache.

I pray that as His mercies greet you each morning you are comforted.

Blogger Victoria said...

Praying for you. God bless.

Blogger Kimberly said...

Oh, Renee, my heart hurts for you! I have a friend who just recently decided they would stop the process of trying to adopt another child...and she voiced exactly what you said...it feels like she has had a miscarriage.

I am lifting you up today! And I thank you for your total honesty! We all need to be reminded that He is a safe place to pour out our hearts completely! And thank you for sharing because it is a privilege and a blessing for us to be able to lift one another up.

Lifting you up! Huge hugs to you!!!!
Love and prayers,

Blogger Lelia Chealey said...

OH...this stinks!! I wonder what God is thinking when He allows stuff like this to happen?
His ways are higher..His ways are higher..that's what I have to tell myself. I will be praying for you Renee. You have such a sweet heart. I just posted on a little girl taken out of my parents home after 20 months....the hardest thing.
Lean on Him my friend.

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