Thank you so much to all of you who have signed up to be part of the "Confident Heart" prayer team.You touched my heart with your words and your willingness to join me in this God-sized adventure. We're creating our group email list and will be in touch early next week! I'm praying for you and each woman who will read this book. I pray we'll all be forever transformed into women who are defined by security, hope and confidence in Christ!
I have a feeling I am going to be telling on myself a lot as I write this book. Yesterday I was thinking about a time when my insecurities and doubts about my future almost tore my marriage apart. JJ and I had been married for several years and were experiencing severe tension. I was all wound up inside. I got angry easily and I didn't know why.
Around that time we attended a marriage conference where Gary Smalley talked about unresolved anger from our past that we bring into our marriage. Bingo! I realized that night my anger as an adult stemmed from years of disappointment as a child. Disappointment that I never got the happily-ever-after I wanted.
You see, my parents divorced by the time I was two years old. I always hoped that one day I'd have a "whole" family and a happy ending. I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the isle of my dad's long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining Prince Charming on the porch waiting for me.
Those were little girl dreams that I thought I'd left behind. But as God reminded me of the dreams buried deep in my heart, He showed me that in some ways I was demanding they come true. When they didn't, my broken dreams became bitter expectations. Unspoken expectations. I wanted JJ to make up for all that my dad had never been as a father to me or as a husband to my mom.
As a broken girl from a broken home, my dreams felt like they were at stake. I was bound and determined to secure my future by creating my own version of a perfect life.
But I couldn't, and it made me panic. My anger and expectations erupted in the form of cutting and critical words toward my husband. Words I thought he needed to hear to help him become the perfect husband and dad I desperately wanted him to be.
I was convinced if he could be those things, my broken dreams could be put back together. My hopes and wishes could come true. JJ would provide security, affirmation and shelter for my little-girl-heart that was still crushed inside my adult body. Then I could be secure and become the confident woman I wanted to be.
God showed me I needed to find my security in Him alone. Despite my broken past and shattered dreams, I needed to remember that "He knows the plans He had for me," (Jer 29:11) and if I want to know them, I need to go to Him. Despite the turmoil and confusion from my childhood, I needed to confess the sin of my anger and expectations and let go of what I thought was my right to a "happily-ever-after."
As I released my grip, I learned to trust God to write the rest of my story. When I did, He began to heal my heart and my marriage. I learned to draw hope and confidence from God's unfailing love and learned to love JJ without conditions. As I let God's words of affirmation shape my self-image, I was able to stop being so hard on myself and my husband.
It was a turning point in our marriage. My insecurities could have taken us down, but instead God used that time to rebuild my own "ancient ruins and restore places devastated long ago"(Is. 61:4). In my brokenness He showed me how He could take my insecurities and let them lead me to find complete security in Christ.
Have disappointment from your past affected your marriage or other relationships?
I want to hear your stories and thoughts on this topic to help me better understand how all of us are affected by past, our disappointments and how they shape our insecurities. Your insights and experiences are valuable my friend, so please don't ever hesitate to share them. I know this is a vulnerable topic, but we've got a safe little community here where we can share our hearts and stories. I'd love to pray for you as I read today's comments. Feel free to post anonymously if you want to.
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Last year when I surveyed 1200 women about their doubts, I asked if doubt affected their relationships and, if so, which ones? 81% said doubt affects their relationship with family, 69% said it affects their relationship with God, 68% said it affects their relationships with friends, 36% said it affects their relationships with co-workers and 28% said doubt affects their relationships with strangers.I have a feeling I am going to be telling on myself a lot as I write this book. Yesterday I was thinking about a time when my insecurities and doubts about my future almost tore my marriage apart. JJ and I had been married for several years and were experiencing severe tension. I was all wound up inside. I got angry easily and I didn't know why.
Around that time we attended a marriage conference where Gary Smalley talked about unresolved anger from our past that we bring into our marriage. Bingo! I realized that night my anger as an adult stemmed from years of disappointment as a child. Disappointment that I never got the happily-ever-after I wanted.
You see, my parents divorced by the time I was two years old. I always hoped that one day I'd have a "whole" family and a happy ending. I used to make bouquets out of azaleas and walk down the isle of my dad's long driveway lined with magnolia trees, imagining Prince Charming on the porch waiting for me.
Those were little girl dreams that I thought I'd left behind. But as God reminded me of the dreams buried deep in my heart, He showed me that in some ways I was demanding they come true. When they didn't, my broken dreams became bitter expectations. Unspoken expectations. I wanted JJ to make up for all that my dad had never been as a father to me or as a husband to my mom.
As a broken girl from a broken home, my dreams felt like they were at stake. I was bound and determined to secure my future by creating my own version of a perfect life.
But I couldn't, and it made me panic. My anger and expectations erupted in the form of cutting and critical words toward my husband. Words I thought he needed to hear to help him become the perfect husband and dad I desperately wanted him to be.
I was convinced if he could be those things, my broken dreams could be put back together. My hopes and wishes could come true. JJ would provide security, affirmation and shelter for my little-girl-heart that was still crushed inside my adult body. Then I could be secure and become the confident woman I wanted to be.
God showed me I needed to find my security in Him alone. Despite my broken past and shattered dreams, I needed to remember that "He knows the plans He had for me," (Jer 29:11) and if I want to know them, I need to go to Him. Despite the turmoil and confusion from my childhood, I needed to confess the sin of my anger and expectations and let go of what I thought was my right to a "happily-ever-after."
As I released my grip, I learned to trust God to write the rest of my story. When I did, He began to heal my heart and my marriage. I learned to draw hope and confidence from God's unfailing love and learned to love JJ without conditions. As I let God's words of affirmation shape my self-image, I was able to stop being so hard on myself and my husband.
It was a turning point in our marriage. My insecurities could have taken us down, but instead God used that time to rebuild my own "ancient ruins and restore places devastated long ago"(Is. 61:4). In my brokenness He showed me how He could take my insecurities and let them lead me to find complete security in Christ.
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I want us to talk about this. Have you ever found yourself getting angry when your husband (or someone else) didn't meet your expectations or fill your needs? Have disappointment from your past affected your marriage or other relationships?
I want to hear your stories and thoughts on this topic to help me better understand how all of us are affected by past, our disappointments and how they shape our insecurities. Your insights and experiences are valuable my friend, so please don't ever hesitate to share them. I know this is a vulnerable topic, but we've got a safe little community here where we can share our hearts and stories. I'd love to pray for you as I read today's comments. Feel free to post anonymously if you want to.
38 Comments:
It is funny, how God has me doing a bible study and reading this book and our church wide study, all about believing lies, and insecurities. It has been a hard place to be at. Having to face some of these things, like lies I have believed. Seeing why I act the way I do. And seeing disappointments and how I looked at others. Disappointments with God, why He allowed these painful things. I am just taking it one step at at time. Learning to forgive my parents and friends and asking God to forgive me. I feel like I am just at step one. I am looking forward to your book. I guess God wants us to be at a place where we trust and take his hand to let him fill us with his truths, and trust Him totally. And know that He loves us.
i want to let go of my insucurities also you always seem to be telling my story i'm looking for the white horse the picket fence and of course blue bird singing but alas it escapes me i watch tv and always want in that pefect life with all the great girl friends and family why can't i just be happy and feel loved i just want that so desperatly but no matter how hard i try it (which to be honest maybe isn't as hard as it could be) i just don't feel loved not by family or friends or even my husband of 22 yrs..........
I was sexually abused when I was a little and I am now in a marriage where I give all control to my husband, who I see and am friends with, where I go, what I do, and when or if he disapproves, I cry and apologize until he forgives me and is nice again, and then the cycle starts again. I was cutting myself to feel better but I gave my knife to a close friend and she is holding it for me. doubt? yes, insecurity? yes. He watches what I do on the computer and may be able to read the words I am typing right now through his tracking device. so I might be in trouble later. so...believe and be saved but healed? this I am having trouble with. I am a Christian. I want to serve Jesus. Maybe this is more than anyone wants to know.
Anonymous, I am praying for you right now sweet friend. For Jesus to bring health and wholeness to you and your husband, to restore the places in your heart and in your marriage that were devastated long ago by what happened to you. For both of you to know the Love that heals and completes us. The sovereign controller who promises to be our Shepherd and King. Jesus is able!!!!
I am praying for you Sagreen and Looking for Me. It takes courage to face our insecurities but God promises to be right there with us as we stand before the giants that have intimidated us for so long. Like David, I pray that we will remember this battle is not ours, this battle is HIS and He wants to declare victory, conquering confidence over every one of of the lies, doubts and fears who have become our enemies.
Security and wholeness is OURS in Christ. Let's name it and claim it today!!!!!
This post is exactly what I spoke on this past weekend. My insecurities not only effected my relationships it almost cost me my life. I praise God that He has taken my "ancient ruins" to speak/comfort others. Renee, thank you for also sharing your path on this road.
Wow, Renee,
I can so relate to everything you went through early on in your marriage. My childhood home was filled with rage and fear, and my siblings and I all experienced neglect and physical hunger. Because of that I, too experienced bouts of anger I could not understand.
But JESUS is the healer! He saved my marriage and I jump for joy when I see how different my own kids have been raised in comparison. Not that my husband and I are perfect, but oh, we serve the Perfect One who works all things for our good.
I also loved reading (in a different post) how God told you to be still and He would accomplish His plan with your writing. The Lord has asked me to be be still, and everything in me wants to erupt into a frantic tailspin. But I will CHOOSE to rest in Him, even when it makes no sense to my brain.
Thank you for keeping it real, Renee.
Hey Sweet Friend...
Your tender vulnerability spoke to me. I can say ditto.
The first 5 years of my marriage were so hard due my run away expectations for my husband to fill up my insecurities, make me feel loved, and put to rest my doubts.
Thank you for addressing this.
If there is one thing I can say to anyone struggling with this today, it's this: it is possible for things to get better. I still feel insecure at times. But I've learned I don't have to wallow in that hard place.
I can make the choice to fill my gaping doubts with the assurance of God's truths. He will never leave me. He really does love me. I don't have to live as the child of a broken parent the rest of my life. I can live as a child of God.
Praise God!
Thank you Renee... so many of us need this book you are writing!!!
Renee,
Your post spoke so deeply to my heart today. I have been through some difficult struggles in my past that I just can't quite share publicly yet. Still working on it. But those struggles have led to so much self-doubt that, like you, my marriage suffered a long time. We have been married a little over 11 years and I can honestly say that it has never been easy. My own insecurities and self-doubt have led to many of our issues. Thank you for being so open and transparent. There are so many of us, desperately longing to be women who serve God and find joy in doing so. Thank you for opening up a way to see that we can have hope to overcome doubt and insecurity and become the beautiful women that God created us to be.
Thanks so much for sharing hope. . . Stephanie
This topic keeps coming up for me this week, so I think God is doing some reminding. This is an issue I am regularly working on in my marriage, and actually referenced this as an issue critical to building marriages that last a lifetime on Melanie Chitwood's blog just the other day! I have found that I am often terrible about getting angry over expectations left unfulfilled by my husband. My expectations often seem to stem from popular culture-- movies where the hero is just about perfect, novels where the heroine is swept off her feet. Even Christian novels can lead in this direction for me at times. It is something my husband and I work on together-- which then reminds me of my need to work on accepting gentle criticism! It is definitely an issue I pray about.
To anonymous,
I too am praying for you. I imagine in the midst of what you are going through, it is overwhelming and easy to feel lost and forgotten by God. I am praying specifically that God will soften your husband's heart and give you comfort and peace. Good for you for giving the knife to your friend- that takes strength and courage! And I'll be praying for your friend too, that God continue to bless your friendship and use her to help you.
Hi Renee- I enjoyed your post today. I definitely could have written this post. As a teenager I struggled with being disappointed by my unmet expectations. I didn't get angry as much as I was constantly let down by my parents. My life was definitely not the life I imagined for my self. At 17 I went to the Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts by Bill Gothard and God used that conference to show me my sin of ungratefulness. By focusing on what I didn't have and how my family didn't meet my expectations I was living with an ungrateful heart. Ungratefulness robs us of Joy and of seeing the gifts that God has given us. If we start with high expectations -even when our husbands, parents and even God does wonderful things for us -we aren't grateful because they just did what we expected. We miss out on the gifts of their love and kindness because it wasn't done exactly as we expected, it didn't meet our standards, or it was just what they always do. During a Crown class, our friend Julia Kelada taught me a quote many years ago, "Comparision is the thief of all joy." I definitely think this applies here too-when we compare ourselves to others or compare reality with our expectations we can miss the Joy that God has for us in whatever situation we are in.
Doubt is one of the 'big' issues that I have had in my 10+ years walking with the Lord. I feel so unworthy that God would look upon me and give me what I deserve instead of hearing and answering me. Sure, I know that doubt and fear are from the pit of hell, but I would be lying to you if I told you that they do not come to me often.
I have had some health issues and even tonight as I prepare to get a breast ultrasound done tomorrow to see if the lump I feel is just a cyst or..... I worry, and doubt, and fear.
I need to be strong and not just say, but accept and believe that God has not given me a spirit of fear and that He tells me not to worry...and so many other promises. I need to accept and trust Him..and that is where I struggle - especially when trials arise.
Oh, that I may please Him, and trust Him, and rely on His strength that He would be glorified in me and through me and that I would be a woman after His own heart!!!!
I appreciate your prayers and give God the glory in advance for what he is going to do!
sbcgentile@yahoo.com
Thank you so much for your thoughts and honest renderings of your hearts today. I have read each comment again and am praying over each you tonight as I got to bed. I'll be out of town speaking in TN Friday and Saturday but I'll be checking in and praying throughout the weekend.
Your honesty is so wonderful! Such a blessing! By you "telling on yourself" you are also telling on God. Telling of His faithfulness. Telling what He can do with even the deepest of our hurts! I know these women who are hurting so desperately are so thankful to read of hope and to have your prayers!
I certainly have dealt with disappointment leading to anger and major insecurity. And God is SOOOOO tenderly helping me...which is hard sometimes because I myself get led to places of repentance. But the healing is so worth it. :)
Have a great conference!
It is truly amazing how most things that you write touch a place in my heart and I find myself in tears as I read them. Im a adult survivor of incest at the hands of my father for many years. I married this awesome Man of God who I know loves me so much and he takes such wonderful care of me and our 2 beautiful children. My fears, doubts and disappointments in my father caused me to struggle so deeply with my relationship with my husband. Im asking every woman that reads here to pray for me that God will help me to receive my husband in the area of intimacy in our marriage and that I will not compare that to what was done to me. I want to be able to be intimate with him and then not feel as if I have done something so wrong or cry when it is all over. There are times when it is over, I just sit in my bathroom in the floor and cry because of the feelings of shame and guilt. Im in counselor right now working through those tough places in my life that I know only God can bring complete wholeness and healing to. Renee, Thank you so much for having a site like this where I can come and be lifted up and to share. Thank you for your openess to share. I know within my heart that there is healing on the otherside of this pain and I will fight till I get there. Im so glad that Jesus loves me inspite of myself.
I am 22 years old and got married a year and a half ago. I feel insecure and doubts creep up on me a lot. I sometimes wonder if my marriage will last forever. I feel that all the time I am hearing that the divorce rates between those in the church and those outside of the church is the same. It's also talked about in the media, as every celebrity seems to be getting divorced every day. My husband and I have decided that divorce is not for us, but I still fear it as silly as it sounds. This fear makes me feel insecure with myself at times. Am I doing the right thing? Am I acting the right way? What do those couples who make it last have that I may not have? Those are some of the things I struggle with as embarrassing as it is :)
Hey Renee,
Once again great thoughts and I too have similarities to share. I guess I look back and though I don't entirely know why, I've always been rather insecure (all of it - not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you know the list) and yes this drastically affects relationships. I know I've been guilty of discrediting my husband's words - more than once he's complimented me and my mind instantly thinks he's just saying that when I know deep down he means it. Really the effect this can have is no different than a husband who is not building up his wife - only this time the tension it creates is my fault because he is trying. I'm simply choosing not to receive...
Well more to say, but it's time to "REST!!" Praying for you and all the attendees this weekend!!
Blessings,
Jil
Megga Ditto Renee. It is sooooooooo comforting hearing you share your story. My story is different in that my folks did not divorce, but I, like you, had expectations that were rooted in pure fantasy. I did not grow up in a church going family; however, my dad said that we were Christians & believed in the 10 commandments. My dad has many wonderful qualities - he is hard working, dependable in providing, positive, determined & fun. Down side - he does not believe in God as God describes Himself in the Bible or in Jesus. They claim to be one thing & then say Christianity is for the weak minded. Yikes. My mom is beautiful in many ways; however, she is stuck on herself & is manipulative by using guilt to get the attention she desires. I was one messed up girl & woman - I had no idea what was really true - I had some good principles, but when you take God of the equation, it is all about you & that is one lonely place to be. When I met my husband, I knew that God was real & I yearned to know God since I was young, just did not know how. Well, this was my chance & a grabed hold of God & loosely held my husband. Somehow, by God's grace, I knew that if I wanted things to work out w/my husband, then boyfriend, I had to put God first. What a ride...the best way I can describe that journey is extreme pain & joy mixed together.
As you wrote about your realization in dealing w/your past, my husband helped me see how important it was to confront my parents, cut the co-dependent cord that bound me to them, & trust God. I had to learn what God had in mind with Eve & with Adam - what their purpose was & is & how that relates to me. I resented my feminity yet yearned to be cherrished but wanted to control. I am laughing as I write this...man...what a mess!
God is AWESOME & he has taken this messed up, curly headed, hyper, control freak, arrogent, insecure child & by His grace, miraculously saved my heart, mind & soul.
I love reading your posts Renee...thank you so much for listening to & obeying God.
In Christ, Pam
I guess I never thought of the way that I feel as being insecure. I just didn't understand it. But after reading this today I see it. I struggle in all these areas talked about. I don't feel loved by my husband, as a matter of fact we are on the verge of separating. My husband is not saved. I so need God to intervene in my marriage.
Hi Renee,
You were talking about my past. That is how things were with me and my husband. We remarried after being divorced and ceparated for 13 years. I was wond up and angry inside because my dad wasnt the dad he should have been and because I felt like my husband should have steped up to the plate day one that we got back from our honeymoon. He didnt and it lead to anger emotional out burst which was leading to the destruction of our family and the life we were endeavoring to put back together, and you just gave me a gentle reminder of that because I think i did the same thing this weekend.
Have a blessed day
TO: Anonymous time 12:28 and anonymous 9:59
I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.... I know it's hard you read some of these comments and it seems that these ladies have it all figured out and seem so at peace and you want that and so do i! DON"T GIVE UP keep trying and searching hang on to those days that you feel god spoke to you don't feel silly or doubt that he really did cause there will be plenty of days when you wont feel god is there (HE IS BUT YOU JUST WONT FEEL IT) I go through a lot of ups n downs and it always seems if i'll read these devotions i can find a sense of peace maybe not every day but engough that i'm still trying. Please hang in there i get you i understand you and you are not alone in this.....
A couple of months ago, my pastor gave a wonderful message about God's ability to breath life back into the seemingly dead areas of our life. So many of your messages have reminded me of something he said in that message: So often, when our relationships get hard and messy, we want to give up, and run, and start a clean slate. BUT GOD loves to start with the forsaken places! It's where He does His best work.
Hang in there, Anonymous 9:35. I'm praying that God will bring life back into your marriage, and that your husband will come to know how much God loves him.
Renee,
Amy V. here: I've had to deal with disappointment just like the rest of us. It's how we deal with it that sets us apart....
Like you, I didn't realize how those unmet expectations followed me into adulthood because I never squashed them. I never dealt with them. Obviously everyone gets disappointed but I think mine stemmed from a broken relationship with my twin sister from puberty til about college.
God is confirming, through you and others, that it's time to confront these old feelings of bitterness/resentment/anger and pull out those weeds and replace them with Christ-like qualities. I put up a wall to prevent me from such disappointments and therefore it definitely affected (negatively) my relationships with others. God is helping me see, through His word, that in order for me to become the Jesus girl he desined me to be, I've got to give those disappointments to Him.
Thanks for stirring this up and confirming what I suspected God was doing!
~Amy
Renee, I would love to tell you my story. I believe that God allowed me to go through the things I did to enable me to minister to others in this same situation. A few years ago, I slowly started struggling with insecurity. I didn't realize that for a good while though. I have a wonderful husband who had NEVER given me a reason to not trust him but for some reason, I felt so insecure. I didn't know how to explain myself to him. All I could say is, "I'm not jealous in a "sexual" way but in a "attention" way. I hope I am making a little bit of sense here. My husband had stepped up in his calling and started doing a lot of one on one ministry. I started getting very jealous of his time. OK, I will quit rambling on about my problems and get to answering your question. :) I had to realize that I was putting "God sized responsibilities" on my husband. I was looking for my husband to meet all my needs, to make me feel secure and loved, etc... We are to look to God for these things. Not our husbands.
Tasha
tcantrell@choctawnation.com
I was so messed up and I'm still working on it :). I was also sexually abused and it affected more than I ever realized. I was such an angry child because I didn't feel like I could tell my mother what happened and the secret was stifling. The abuse broke my sense of trust. Having someone who's supposed to be the adult and protect you, violate your trust and body is so tramautizing. I carried that mistrust into my relationship with my friends and my mate. The humongous expectations I had of them pushed my relationships to the point of ruin. I've only recently started dealing with the hurt and brokenness.
I find myself still expecting miracles from my boyfriend.
I'm so afraid of fully trusting the ones I love because I'm scared they'll one day hurt me beyond repair. This healing process is so hard and so painful. I do have faith that God will hold me in perfect peace. And that He will heal my wounded places and mend my broken and fragmented heart.
If I can offer any ray of sunshine, it's that God is REAL. And He does heal and He does hear us when we call on Him. There's something He's trying to pull out of us through our pain and hurting places. God bless you my sisters in Christ.
In reading this today it makes me wonder about all the fight resently with my feonce i come from being beaten as a child by my dad and asked to give a life testimony for youth as i have been woking with the high school. I'v gone though all the crap over again in my head pepared to me trasparent befor them Tonight been told not to work with them but somthing I have no passion for but yet still speak . I give my hart ever week to these gurls. How is it though you want somthing as dreamm and ever time it gets shatered and how can you pick up again with know one around you careing to help, a church full of politics but God has me here 2ooo miles from my home only 25 I dint understand all this...
WHOW!! I know exactly how you feel! My childhood was not a good one. There was ALOT of verbal abuse and sometimes physical. I too have expected so much from my husband, who is a wonderful godly man and father. I realized one day thru God that I was looking to him to "fix" my insecurities and things from my past that I needed to give to God. I still can't believe that God has blessed me with the family I have now and sometimes I am scared(insecure) to truly enjoy our time together! I'm afraid it's not gonna last! NEED to release that to God! If only I could believe the truths as easily as I believe the lies!!
Blessings to you and I THANK YOU!!
Nancy
trammelllane@linkabit.com
I may be back with a story or two or ten but know I could have written this...I had to say goodbye and distance myself from my past in order to learn how to submit, trust and respect my husband. The Lord made our ruins into something beautiful, something I've needed as a shelter these last couple of months in particular. Thank you for sharing!
love you, lisa
xoxo
Hi Renee. I know I'm joining this party a little late, but felt compelled to share my thoughts as well.
My husband and I have been married 20 years, have had ups and downs, but until a few years ago we were always a team. I was completely devastated when I discovered he had been having an emotional affair for well over a year. And though he has repented, and we remain married, I have found myself struggling with insecurity on a level I never even thought possible. Quiet honestly, it is crippling. I am now a suspicious, untrusting person. And while I have been struggling to lay it all at the feet of Jesus, and have proclaimed my forgiveness for my husband, insecurity still has a grip on my heart. Over the past few years I have isolated myself from others, always being at home, always trying to control every situation. I struggle with feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough to hold the interests of my husband, and while he is quick to reassure me of his love, I just can't seem to put faith in my value. I look to God's word, but find it hard to believe that I am worthy of his love.
I would love to be a part of the Confident Heart group. I couldn't find the post where you talked about the specifics, but would love to participate.
Thank you for sharing your heart and offering a place where others can come and share theirs and not feel so alone in their struggles.
God Bless you Renee!
thank you.
A little over a week ago I was in the midst of a fast and God showed me where a lie had affected my marriage. As a young teenage girl I had a "boyfriend" for a number of years and throughout our friendship he ended up dating several friends of mine. As a result... the lie that took hold was that I wasn't ever good enough for him and that's why he went for my friends. This lie then led me to believe that I wasn't good enough even for my husband. God showed me how I had carried distrust from the guy of my childhood into my marriage.
What God showed me about that boy was he didn't trust girls because his parents had divorced when he was little and he lived with his dad while his sister went to live with his mom. He was dealing with a lot of rejection issues and in turn would reject girls before they could reject him. It was such an amazingly freeing moment... I can't even describe it!! Since then... well there has been a LOT of healing in my heart towards my husband and things have definitely improved!! ;)
What a timely message for all of us ladies! I can't wait to read your book!!
It is so awesome to see that I am not along. So many times with Christians I feel like I'm the only one that has struggles. I am the only way who doesn't have it all figured out. Right now I am struggling with my relationship with my husband. I love him but life just hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. I am in a job that I hate, in a place that I hate, with only one person that I would call a friend where I am at. Plus my husband had an inappropriate not sexual relationship with a coworker for a couple of years and only in the last year admitted he was wrong, but during those two years he told me to just get over it and that sometimes he didn't want to come home. My husband wants to know why I don't feel the need to be intimate anymore. He thinks it's because he has gained weight. I've gained the weight I'm carrying around all this baggage and don't know how to put it down. Sandy
God continues to amaze me with how He works in our lives. I don't always trust Him but am learning more and more that He truly has our best interests at heart.
I grew up in an alcoholic, controlling, critical environment where I was taught that I couldn't make my own decisions or choices, and if I tried to, was told I wasn't making a wise decision or I felt guilted into changing my mind.
I am relieved that God answered many of my prayers:
I married an alcoholic, believing that I could 'change' him, and God led me to Al-Anon (which truly saved my life and my marriage).
I closed my doors to neighbors and hid behind mess and clutter and God led me to 'FlyLady' (an amazing woman who created a website to help us clean house and open our doors).
I wanted to be the best mother I could be and not repeat the patterns that I grew up with and God led me to Stormie Omartian's prayer book 'The Power of a Praying Parent'.
I'm still struggling with learning where my boundaries are, but He is teaching me and leading me to books, people and small group studies that are slowly helping me to learn a healthier way to interact with others.
Sometimes I'm frustrated that it's taking so long, and I feel like I've wasted so much time. But then He reminds me that I am right where I am supposed to be - in the palm of His hand, and He is in control.
I'm excited that He's led me to your website and can't wait to read your book.
Love and prayers.
Luvmykids ♥
My unmet expectations come from my in-laws. I had such a good grandparent experience, that I want my children to have that, too. However, my in-laws are nothing like my family. They are good to my children, but they are not the "lovey-dovey" type. For the longest time, I felt so angry when I was around them with my children because I wanted more from them. Here recently, though, God has been teaching me to let them be free to be who He made them to be. It is not my job to expect them to act a certain way. I wouldn't want them doing that to me, so I do not need to do that to them anymore.
Yes, we constantly look to PEOPLE to meet our needs when we should be relying on God, but it's easier said than done...I think I live in a state of constant tension between looking to people, my own abilities or material things to provide me with security: then God brings me back to him and I remember what is important. It's all about FOCUS!!
Oh so much to say...but where to start! First, I want to encourage Kirsten pray about finding a mentor couple to help establish a strong foundation in her marriage. Or a Bible study on marriage with other couples would be good too. A marriage built on a firm foundation will not crumble! So, get in God's Word for sure!
Secondly, as I sit here thinking about what God has done in my life, I am amazed and thankful. My husband and I come from non-
Christian critical homes. My parents were divorced. I tried to find fulfillment in my relationships with my boyfriends and then expected to live happily ever after I married my husband. Of course, we both brought high expectations and lots of baggage into our marriage. We were a disaster from the get go. Then, I thought our children would cause us to live happily ever after. With no idea how to raise them and no idea how to fix our marriage, we were moving towards divorce rapidly. We abused alcohol, and there was infidelity. Hurt and agonizing pain and no idea how to get out of the pit! But God called us, forgave us, broke our marriage apart to rebuild it on His foundation. Sitting here thinking about those times, I can't even dredge up the pain. He showed me how to forgive and how to see my husband through His eyes. God has completely transformed our marriage and our lives. There certainly were difficult times as we worked through all of the issues, but God was faithful. We have now been married 27 years and we are blessed as we watch our children walk with Him too.
So, I am praying for those of you who posted that are struggling, whose husbands have hurt you, who were broken as children---
God is faithful and so good and He will strengthen you when you choose obedience to Him. He will renew you and build you up. Trust and obey and you will be blessed dear sisters!
i have been praying about my situation and i know that nothing happens by coincidence...i am a 34 year old mother of 3 boys ages 13,9,7...me and my husband got married for the 1st time back in 2000 divorced in 2008, and remarried in 2011 wow! i know...i too came from a broken home parents divorced when i was two and my maternal grandparents raised me...when i married i expected my husband to make ALL MY problems go away....well adding to the fact that i had enormous insecurities...we were young...i found out in a very hurtful way that my husband cheated on me... and i lashed back out in the only way i knew how...tit for tat...so after doing this for 5 years after his affair...i filed for divorce in 2008...i was very hurt throughout the whole process and even after the divorce was final we still tried to reconcile but it didnt work out so in oct of 2010 he was facing some serious trouble and noone else was there for him and i stepped up to the plate because as hard as i tried to stop loving him and to move on with my life i couldnt and hadnt...so we started talking seriously about getting back together despte all of the hurt we had caused each other....and we remarried jan 19 2011....HOWEVER....i still am very angry at him becauae i honeslty feel like he doesnt know how much he hurt me...i dont know i get angry easily...and the atmosphere of the home is sometimes poisionous...i know that this is not God's will but i am paralyzed with fear, insecurity, and down right bitterness for all the hell that he took me through...and YET i took him back...wow...just dont understand please keep me in your prayers...anyone who reads this please feel free to email me at simmkj@jea.com to help me with prayer or any words of encouragment...the enemy seeks to isolate...so please feel free to contact me...thank you renee for your transparency...Praise God!
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